Who the fuck clicks on internet popups?
The internet is literally the most popular THING ever and if you've used it for over 5 whole minutes you have worked out, barring any form of mental retardation, how to:
1. Visit a Website
2. Search for Something
3. Do not believe or click on anything advertised on the internet
I was watching TV illegally on the internet around a minute ago. Obviously, nobody watches TV on their normal television anymore because we are all far too busy getting drunk, working, fulfilling social obligations and procrastinating doing something valuable (Or is that just me?). Another reason no one watches TV here is that only good television is America television, and if I wouldn't queue for 10 minutes to see the fucking Beatles should they posthumously reunite, then I certainly won't wait a week to a month for the next episode of 'Futurama' (or whatever). ANYWAY, as I was enjoying some poor quality, 4 inch screen, American TV shows, my retina's were burned by a bright, distracting advert.
'One EASY trick gives YOU a ninja dick!' (accompanied by a picture of a man in a ninja fancy dress costume)
Where do I begin?
Does anyone understand that reference?
Who has even had a sighting of a fucking ninja to verify not only that they are real, but that they are well-endowed? The whole point of ninja's is they are stealthy and mysterious. Not seen. Not heard. They are practically fictional, or ancient or something. This advert wasn't referring to the Turtles. The poorly dressed man next to the tagline in an ill-fitting ninja costume clearly stipulates they mean HUMAN ninja's. If memory serves me correct, there was no chat amongst the turtles about their johnson-size whilst enjoying a hot pizza with Splinter and April. And it wasn't referring to the 'Three Ninja's' movies. Loved those films. I do not recall any mention of those pre to early pubescent boys discussing the advantages and necessities of possessing the ivory shaft allegedly commonly associated with a ninja.
If I foolishly take it as a given that ninja's exist, why would I assume they have desirable members? What man/woman/child has had an altercation with a ninja lewboski and lived to tell the tale? There isn't even a common stereotype about ninja's that exists about their blue-veiners. Is that part of gaining entry to the sacred order of the ninja? You must have a massive captain crook? I struggle to believe that the stealthiest, most apt ninja (who is from Japan, stereotype alert), but suffers from having a below-average crotch cobra would have his application turned down. I wonder if the last part of acceptance is to use your lung disturber as a sword for a round of sparring..?
Maybe that's what they are getting at. Maybe it's not about size. Could it be this advert is trying to make me gain a really sharp, threatening and ultimately dangerous cunt-catcher? In lieu of your samurai (no idea if that's accurate), you could use your sharpened ninja Richard Head in an emergency. This advert is assuming therefore that all men would like to have their Dr.Cyclops as a weapon. That cannot be a good message/image for society. Is this man scepter to be used for battling other men or for forcing women into obligatory sex? Or vice versa? It's not clear.
In modern advertising, you will see from a stick of deodorant to a chest of drawers accompanied by an attractive person who YOU may think, 'AWWW I wish I had their life'. The ninja flesh-rocket advert, had a picture of what appeared to be a psychologically scarred, middle aged, out-of-shape man, in an inaccurate, cheap ninja Halloween costume, about 4 days after Halloween. No human being would have any desire to emulate this wotsit-munching, comic-book wanker. He was not selling the product to me. If they really wanted to pique a naive person's interest, there should have been a picture of the impressive grinding tool itself. Yes, I would have even approved of that more.
On the other hand, maybe they just used the word 'ninja' because it's a kool word and appeals to the fantasies of 13-18 (or 40-65) year old virgins who sit on their computers all day. Even though it has absolutely no connotations to a stereotype of a man's intrusion protrusion, the advertising company reckoned there would be an immediate impulse click. Perhaps I am giving them more respect than they deserve, but surely even they would not click on this. I'd even be more inclined to believe it if the advert had used something real and tangible as opposed to inventing it's own mythical, penal stereotype attached ironically perhaps to oriental, fictional warriors.
What could the 'EASY' trick be that turned your impotent, flaccid, shrivelled jibberstick into a throbbing, desired and admired kidney cracker?
Now I see.
It's locking in now.
Once you gain access to the order of the ninja after a gruelling initiation, they give you the ancient, secret technique to hijacking your Japanese DNA (STEREOTYPE ALERT) and attaining a long dong silver all the plebs will be in awe of. It's an old ninja secret and only experienced ninja's are privy to this vital information that every man craves. This internet advert in one simple, posing question has in fact given us all a deep insight into the long-kept secrets of the mysterious, ancient order of the ninja. I am real stoked I stream my TV shows.
So to conclude, I have still no idea what a ninja dick is. Or what the easy trick to get one is. I should have clicked on it.
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| An intimidating, yet thrilling sight for any young, promiscuous female |
It's a far cry from the traditional 'GET RIPPED IN SIX WEEKS' accompanied with some of the worst photoshopping in history. At least the ninja's gave us a legit if poor (and insulting) image. The stupid, fat fucks who cannot get out their chair to excercise because they're watching the same episode of 'Game of Thrones' and stuffing their face with cheesecake (bordering on hypocrisy) are obviously internet nerds who know more about the internet than anyone else. They will not be swayed by the temptation of that ancient tip that means you can eat as much as you like and never exercise but 'GET RIPPED in ten minutes!!' See how this viscious circle will not resolve? The only people ugly, nerdy and retarded enough to consider the offer are too computer-wise to click on these adverts. The photoshop is poor, the link is dead, and if I ever have the unfortunate occasion to meet someone who admits to being lured into an internet advert like a bobby fickle moron:
I'll point them to this blog.
Here's a diet tip you aisle-blocking, ballrus, voluptuous, curvaceous, beached, well-built, stout, pork-beast, plus-sized, gravitationally-challenged, matronly, no slenderella, immense, house cow, husky, stocky, unhealthily big, corpulent, gluttinus maximus CUNT: eat LESS, exercise MORE.
It's revolutionary, BUT it works! Call me Dr. T.
What's on TV?
BIG FUCKING BROTHER.
It's a guilty pleasure of mine. I know it's thee most boring television show ever conceived. I just can't help myself. It's another frivelous, emotional association of mine as I watched the first Big Brother which was a legit social experiment that gripped the nation. I was a part of that initial public brainwashing, aint that kewl?? Unfortunately I never had the good sense (or literally anything else to do) to stop watching as the series degenerated into a differing docile collection of freaks and retards that got more tedious as time went on. The show did provide enough high-spots to just about keep me watching i.e. Victor, Jason and fight night, Kinga up to the fucking label on the wine bottle and of course, the "Celeb" edition.
That's what Channel 5 are showing now, before putting on the full series straight after. Apparently it will be the 'most attractive' house ever. I'm on board. It certainly isn't the most famous 'Celeb' edition, and that's really saying something seeing as I can only ever recognise 1-2 housemates per edition. However, one of the recognizable faces this year is Tara Reid. She's like REAL famous. And she's fucking nuts. I love it. I hope she wins. Of course, Jedward will win because the British public love to celebrate people who are even less fortunate than they are. SUBO JEDWARD GARETH GATES PETE TOURETTES JADE GOODY YADA YADA YADA
Coolio was on Big Brother and didn't win it. The guy who rapped Gangta's Paradise and was in the Keenan and Kel opening credits did NOT win. A textbook reason why I won't spill any tears leaving this nation of nutters one day. Also a contestant on the show who did not win, is my idol:
DENNIS RODMAN
REAL BADD-ASS. RODZILLA 4 LYFF
I saw 'The Inbetweeners' movie. It was shit. Next.
Congratulations to the rebel forces in Libya. I think it's a beautiful thing when people take power in their own hands and exact a change. The Arab uprisings represent a difficult and trying time for many people and many have sacrificed their lives. The cause is great and I admire the courage of those people to stop accepting the bullshit being spoon-fed to them by an oppressive regime and taking the power back.
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/world/africa/2011-libya-index.html?smid=tw-nytimes - some truly surreal, evocative images that displays the other side of lyff to the dull, docile comfort of our own homes.
This manifested itself in a whimper over here with the London riots that occurred recently. Although it was mainly louts (I am MIDDLE class) who fancied a new TV, it represents a frustration, disorganization and unsettling insight into a British society that is at breaking point. The quicker the Oxbridge/Eton Toffs who attempt to run this country realize the system is broken and action must be taken the better, and the fact it manifested itself in these violent, aimless riots is something rather than nothing. I do not condone the destruction of small businesses or random violence, but I hope that this is a sign that British society is deteriorating and an indictment of how difficult it is to live in the UK during this era and that again, the right people take notice to improve the quality of lyff across the demographics in this once great nation.
Here are some beautiful literary examples from Great Britain and two pieces of poetry that are resonating strongly with me at this moment in time:
When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high piled books, in charactry,
Hold like rich garners the full-ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love; -- then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.
Keats
I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.
D.H. Lawrence
I started this post with nothing to say. Here's some comic relief, always end on a joke.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yET1JeSd7t8
